17 01 2012

Didn’t think you could fail things, so many times… Thats the main thing thats playing on my mind… Oh and the other thing.. not gonna get into that… But yeah.. I realised to day that i get agitated quite easily… so that leads to more mistakes… tomorrow aint gonna be any better… Nor any other day… it’s starting to suck now, real badly.. :/ if it wasnt for a couple of people… I’d of given up totally by now and said ”Right, I’m not doing anything anymore” but of course, i havent.. In fact for some stupid reason… i’m pushing harder (any ideas on why, message me:S) but it’s not good, cause if i fail, then I’ll probably keep on doing it.. I’m one of those people who, like, cant fail? and if they do, it’s bad for them? As in it dents confidence and it’s a psychological thing, it’s bad, makes you think youre bad? well.. it does me anyhow…

**Im going off track, so, main points**

– Lost my best friend, thats what i get for continuing to be an a******e to people

– I know I’ll start to push everyone else away, including people who have said they’ll always be there

– I know, this is gonna be a crap year, even if i get over this thing

– I’ll be Day 0 for a while, this way, it’s just, I know whats coming – I attempted to pick up the pieces of my life. They can stay on the floor for all i care.

– I’ve learnt it’s best to keep things to yourself, cause I’d still have my bestfriend if i had of, he’d of known no different to the usual situation, and i would of, seemed normal, i guess :/

– I wont talk to no one… not anymore.. Well, not withot decent persuasion.

– Patterns are always there… I’ve fallen ”back” into an old one

– I’ll still end up being asked whats wrong, and I’ll not be able to say anything

To wind this in….




Well… It’s ‘one of those” days…

16 01 2012

Similar title to previous blog? and what?

I read about this being the most depressing day of the year… Something about being the 3rd monday, yeah, it was. Was being both the 3rd monday and depressing.

It’s hard to accept, knowing that you are constantly (or seemingly) pushing your bestfriend further away from you… Leaving, that gap, that where you used to be able to ”lean” on these days, but now you jst fall down, and think ‘why? why’d I have to be one of those people?’

Well, I’m sorry… to you (hopefully, if you’ve even read this, you’ll know im talking to you) I’m just, more or less a person who you shouldn’t try with, ssave yourself the trouble of having to listen…

Next thing? My fantastic act…

Lately I’ve been able to disguise myself as happy… Example? Sunday morning… Happy atmosphere? yes. Happy me? Only cause it’s not good to appear down there..

I don’t like this… I’ve tried changing it, but I worm my way back into it somehow.. Throw myself out a window?! Yes! No way I can get back in to this then. No! I wont, cause, its good to live… And besides… Well, i havent got anything to write there…

I’ll act tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday… This wont stop soon, I have a feeling…

Back into an old thing… Well, not really back… And this thing, wont just drop away…

Final thing, I just want to say thanks to those that help me, offered me chats, advice etc. Things I aint able to accept, cause i dont think i deserve anyone’s time, effort etc.

I remember the old me.. This will now be my ”cover”

Just decided that. Live the old, ”Good” boy life, didn’t do anything wrong… It was easy… No pressure.

Okay, now the final thing… 2012 has been crap so far…. I’ve doubted so much, religion, my life, who i actually am, whether my friends are friends… :/ (first sighy face of this blog… ) I just dunno, right now. Live one day at a time? Okay… So, Like any other day… Ah, forget that crap… I’ll just guess what’ll happen… Same crap as the day before!




Well, this was what’s on my mind….

9 01 2012

Right so, today i took a big step forward onto the road of recovery from my problems… (No matter how reluctant I was…) Yeah, its Day 0 again.. But i thought that was a good place to start…


I, have been thinking (VERY BAD!!!) tonight.. And it’s made me think of how stpid i was.. but I cant help to think how much it did help.. Maybe this is something I needed to make my relationship with God strong? (Possibly)


But, it seems it isnt gonna let me get away just yet… It seems to want me to keep doing it… But, I dont know.. could be good… could be bad… All I know is, I’m bad at keeping on the path of recovery, every time I’ve gone down there, I fall… It seems like the path is a hill… and that, I hit the bottom enough times to know, you cant get up there without the right people by your side… I really shold start, sorting it ot… Getting things ”right” but.. I dunno whether i can face going up the hill, WHEN i fall…


If, or when, I fall next.. I hope I’ve got these friends to fall on… (Yes, I know, I”m going on about something different, LEARN, I dont stay on track)


Times like this… MEH!

nothings wrong

6 01 2012

nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong.


I worked out, i just need those 2 words, then noones gonna know anything apart from ‘nothings wrong.’ just made someone believe that ‘nothings wrong.’


why make people worry.. they’ve got their own problems. nothings wrong.


it’s only a little white lie, nothings wrong. its all word of mouth. the silver tongue.


nothings wrong.



Just an extra bit of thought…

5 01 2012

(This will probably end up being updated too much “/ )


I will cave tonight. Just decided. Most of todays been forced. Life’s a ___ then you die. My friend says it’s just a patch, or it’s just trial…  But, is it? I mean, even the best part of today, which helped kinda, was a struggle… And, I cant stop to think, how long until i start to alienate my bestmates and friends? Bet they’ll fall, one by one, further away… Day 0…

page 5 of 366…

5 01 2012

(title name came from twitters ww trend a couple of days back.. yeah i knoow, i am missing 3 pages, yesterdays counted as page 4…)


I would probably feel worse today, if it werent for the fact that a friend kept me laughing during friend, and a good talk with a good, no, brilliant best mate in Adam Hawkins, on the way home! And, michaela Cameron, at kids club (that was a struggle). If it werent for the fact i have these friends to confide in, i would be _____ right now…  (there are a few more, who i love dearly) I didnt want too many emotions in 2012, yet it’s started as a train wreck of the foul thing…


I do see me doing it again, however, so it’s kinda making me feel it was a whole waste of their time…. bleeeeeeeeeeurgh!


I do miss, when i could just be down foor a bit, and then, everything is good again…


I look up, then my head falls down…


Heard a poignant lyric today… ”How do you get up from and all time low? How’d you choose between your head and heart?”


I dont know what either of them say, at this point…



It seemed to all fall down…

4 01 2012

First off, i decided to start a third blog, because i couldnt remember passwords… and i cant remember this one off the top of my head…


I dont honestly care how anyone views what i post, ’cause its stuff that i cant stop thinking about or, need to get off my chest…


So, yeah, on to blogging about the title :L


This has been, the toughest week of my life, to date. It started so wrongly, and things have continued to go downhill… I cant even remember what started me off on this slump…. To think, that whatever has happened, has made me all stupid everyday, wanting to cry, and crap like that :/ I feel bad for talking to friends about it, cause is like im dumping my problems on them, they assure me ‘it’s fine’. personally, i hate talking to people… I had ago at one friend today cause he said ”I’m kind…’ twice. First time, i said, no. second, hit him and said, thats, f…. enough. I cant be seeming to sort this out. People saying ‘oh, youll be fine” when that makes me think when though. The same stupid action I’ve been doing for the whole year so far (wow, you say, no, you dont i know, but still :L it began before the new year… I seriously cant express how sorry i am to theese people, they are all going through bad times aswell (just me thinking coincidence?) My best mate advised me to talk to someone… And i i said  just cant (i hate talking about how i feel. when asked today, how i was, i could manage ‘meh’ or ‘like crying’… Real stupid yeah? 😥


Life was gonna come crumbling down at some point. Now, it’s just to wait, and see what comes out decent from the wreckage, and start building around it… however long it’ll be.


The long, painful, emotional and scarring battle to reclaim my life, has to start soon, right? I choose when…


Writing that, i felt in control :’) but, then i think, you cant just choose to, itll happen on its own. Then that makes me depressed. Well, rather than bore you more… im going to try to sleep, and hope my house dont fall down.


oh, 1 extra thing, Tomorrow’s gonna be very hard… cause i am basically on my own, none of my close mates are there… Some, used to be close, but not the ones i feel i can talk to, apart from one, or 2, depending on how tomorrow morning goes… Crying now… HA! (not cause imm gonna be alone cause im not, really, but cause thinking has got the better of me)


Right, now im done. Till, tomorrow blog!