Well, this was what’s on my mind….

9 01 2012

Right so, today i took a big step forward onto the road of recovery from my problems… (No matter how reluctant I was…) Yeah, its Day 0 again.. But i thought that was a good place to start…

 

I, have been thinking (VERY BAD!!!) tonight.. And it’s made me think of how stpid i was.. but I cant help to think how much it did help.. Maybe this is something I needed to make my relationship with God strong? (Possibly)

 

But, it seems it isnt gonna let me get away just yet… It seems to want me to keep doing it… But, I dont know.. could be good… could be bad… All I know is, I’m bad at keeping on the path of recovery, every time I’ve gone down there, I fall… It seems like the path is a hill… and that, I hit the bottom enough times to know, you cant get up there without the right people by your side… I really shold start, sorting it ot… Getting things ”right” but.. I dunno whether i can face going up the hill, WHEN i fall…

 

If, or when, I fall next.. I hope I’ve got these friends to fall on… (Yes, I know, I”m going on about something different, LEARN, I dont stay on track)

 

Times like this… MEH!

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nothings wrong

6 01 2012

nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong. nothings wrong.

 

I worked out, i just need those 2 words, then noones gonna know anything apart from ‘nothings wrong.’ just made someone believe that ‘nothings wrong.’

 

why make people worry.. they’ve got their own problems. nothings wrong.

 

it’s only a little white lie, nothings wrong. its all word of mouth. the silver tongue.

 

nothings wrong.

 

D





Just an extra bit of thought…

5 01 2012

(This will probably end up being updated too much “/ )

 

I will cave tonight. Just decided. Most of todays been forced. Life’s a ___ then you die. My friend says it’s just a patch, or it’s just trial…  But, is it? I mean, even the best part of today, which helped kinda, was a struggle… And, I cant stop to think, how long until i start to alienate my bestmates and friends? Bet they’ll fall, one by one, further away… Day 0…





page 5 of 366…

5 01 2012

(title name came from twitters ww trend a couple of days back.. yeah i knoow, i am missing 3 pages, yesterdays counted as page 4…)

 

I would probably feel worse today, if it werent for the fact that a friend kept me laughing during friend, and a good talk with a good, no, brilliant best mate in Adam Hawkins, on the way home! And, michaela Cameron, at kids club (that was a struggle). If it werent for the fact i have these friends to confide in, i would be _____ right now…  (there are a few more, who i love dearly) I didnt want too many emotions in 2012, yet it’s started as a train wreck of the foul thing…

 

I do see me doing it again, however, so it’s kinda making me feel it was a whole waste of their time…. bleeeeeeeeeeurgh!

 

I do miss, when i could just be down foor a bit, and then, everything is good again…

 

I look up, then my head falls down…

 

Heard a poignant lyric today… ”How do you get up from and all time low? How’d you choose between your head and heart?”

 

I dont know what either of them say, at this point…

 

D





It seemed to all fall down…

4 01 2012

First off, i decided to start a third blog, because i couldnt remember passwords… and i cant remember this one off the top of my head…

 

I dont honestly care how anyone views what i post, ’cause its stuff that i cant stop thinking about or, need to get off my chest…

 

So, yeah, on to blogging about the title :L

 

This has been, the toughest week of my life, to date. It started so wrongly, and things have continued to go downhill… I cant even remember what started me off on this slump…. To think, that whatever has happened, has made me all stupid everyday, wanting to cry, and crap like that :/ I feel bad for talking to friends about it, cause is like im dumping my problems on them, they assure me ‘it’s fine’. personally, i hate talking to people… I had ago at one friend today cause he said ”I’m kind…’ twice. First time, i said, no. second, hit him and said, thats, f…. enough. I cant be seeming to sort this out. People saying ‘oh, youll be fine” when that makes me think when though. The same stupid action I’ve been doing for the whole year so far (wow, you say, no, you dont i know, but still :L it began before the new year… I seriously cant express how sorry i am to theese people, they are all going through bad times aswell (just me thinking coincidence?) My best mate advised me to talk to someone… And i i said  just cant (i hate talking about how i feel. when asked today, how i was, i could manage ‘meh’ or ‘like crying’… Real stupid yeah? 😥

 

Life was gonna come crumbling down at some point. Now, it’s just to wait, and see what comes out decent from the wreckage, and start building around it… however long it’ll be.

 

The long, painful, emotional and scarring battle to reclaim my life, has to start soon, right? I choose when…

 

Writing that, i felt in control :’) but, then i think, you cant just choose to, itll happen on its own. Then that makes me depressed. Well, rather than bore you more… im going to try to sleep, and hope my house dont fall down.

 

oh, 1 extra thing, Tomorrow’s gonna be very hard… cause i am basically on my own, none of my close mates are there… Some, used to be close, but not the ones i feel i can talk to, apart from one, or 2, depending on how tomorrow morning goes… Crying now… HA! (not cause imm gonna be alone cause im not, really, but cause thinking has got the better of me)

 

Right, now im done. Till, tomorrow blog!

 

D